It is coming up to a

powerful anniversary for my daughter and my entire family. This week will be a year since Julia recieved her last dose of chemotherapy. She has been off-treatment for one tenth of the time required to be considered cured.  She has never gone this long without relapse and I am rejoicing in a cautiously optomistic way. In another nine years she will be cured of this plague that has been set upon her and so many of our friends. 

Leukemia is considered one of the “better” cancers for a child to get. The cure rates  are supposedly so much improved over the past 30 years. According to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, “From 1999 to 2005, the five-year relative survival rates … Acute lymphocytic leukemia (ALL): 66.3 percent overall; 90.9 percent for children under 5. ” I don’t know how convincing that is for you, but for me … not so much. Five year survival rates don’t apply to blood  and bone marrow cancers. Ten  years cancer free and THAN we can dance… and the dancing is where I have a problem.

Truthfully, this time I am not really lecturing anyone about cancer awareness or the fight to save our kids’ lives. I am writing about myslef and the survivor guilt a friend can feel when her child is doing well while others around are relapsing and getting sicker. I am struggling in ways I didn’t think I could. My heart hurts more than you would think, knowing my daughter is well at this time.

I think in addition, I may besuffering from post traumatic stress combined with the survivor guilt. This feeling can make me feel empty and it is the reason, I believe, I haven’t been writing much. I use this blog in many ways, as therapy and at first really enjoyed writing about our daily or weekly doings. These days, I have not much to laugh about.

I am blessed, for lack of a better word, to have my family intact and healthy. I am so heart sick that there are so many out there who are not so lucky.

I am not looking for my good fortune to be pointed out to me. I am aware of it and try to mention it in each post I leave here.

I have decided it may be just as therapeutic and cathartic to journalize our family’s emotional recovery here … or at least mine. If you are looking for a feel good fuzzy feeling each day, I am not your girl. If you want a real look at the emotional roller coaster that I, and I believe many other parents are on, jump in and feel free to leave comments. I really would love to hear what others think of this woman on the verge of a breakdown!

This is a rambling post, I know…. thanks for hanging in there so far! Ultimately I am holding onto the original mission of Strawberry Seeds and trying not to wallow in too much goat crud. We’ll see how that goes. Thanks friends.

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